And The Two Shall Become One | Marriage

Disclaimer: I am not a marriage expert, neither am i a marriage counsellor. In fact I have only been married for 9 minute years so I am no guru when it comes to this topic. What I’m about to share is totally based on my view from biblical perspective and also the small experience I have from my very few years of marriage. I fully understand there are different situations that people go through. It’s OK if you don’t agree.

This is a very long post. I didn’t want to split it into 2 parts. Please bear with me.

I want to begin by giving a shout out to one of my very patient followers. I refer to her as patient because she requested i do a post on Marriage since March and i’m only just doing it. Thanks Laketra Chick for allowing me time and for your understanding. If you are not following her already, please do. She is such a beautiful soul and she is also very supportive and encouraging.

So with that being said, let’s dig in.

When Laketra Chick requested i do this post, it actually coincided with the time we were talking about marriage and family in our Sunday school. We are still on this series and it’s truly reminded me and taught me a lot about the essence of marriage. The reason i didn’t want to jump into this post immediately i got the request to write about it, was because i wasn’t sure how to tackle it.  Like i said from my disclaimer, i am not a marriage counselor and i am sure i have many followers and readers who have more experience in marriage than i have. I didn’t want to write it from my understanding of marriage as that will be nothing new. So of course i had to pray about it. And after praying and also from our Sunday school lessons, i found peace in talking about it from The Jesus Christ (groom) and the Church (bride) perspective.

What is marriage?

Marriage is the legally or formally recognized union between a man and a woman. It is the oldest human institution on earth. It involves a lifetime commitment. It is not a contract. It is a covenant.

In the bible there are so many scriptures where Jesus Christ is being referred to as the groom. So let’s see how we can link this with marriage.

Preparing for Marriage

There is a lot of learning and preparation that goes into making of the groom. Jesus Christ is seen in Luke 2:41-46 learning from others. He was asking questions, wanting to know more. The same principle applies to anyone wanting to get married. Learn. Learn. Learn. When you go into marriage unprepared, you are heading for disaster. These days the institution of marriage has been diluted. Most times the foundation isn’t right. Societal norm is for the boy and girl to start living together before marriage. Boundaries are seen as old school and cohabiting is even encouraged.

The danger of going by the above flow is that the marriage is laid on a bad foundation. Sex and ecstasy clouds judgements and red flags are not taken seriously as a result. Engagement isn’t the same as marriage. Until you are married, you are still seen as single in the eyes of God. Your body belongs to Him. You are not to allow any boy or girl defy your temple. To achieve this clear boundaries have to be put in place. Marriage needs to be entered with the right mindset. I will leave it here for now.

After marriage, comes intimacy. And note intimacy doesn’t come before marriage.

The Role of the Groom

Leadership

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is thehead of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Ephesians 5:23

A head is the part of an organism which usually includes the eyes, ears, nose, and mouth, each of which aid in various sensory functions such as sight, hearing, smell, and taste, respectively (copied from Wikipedia).

Notice the head is where the sensory functions are situated. Without the head, there is no vision and direction. This explains the reason for the chaos in our world today. A lot of men are not functioning in their God given positions as leaders. Many do not have visions and directions for their families and as such they have allowed their wives to take up this role. This is not a role originally intended for women.

A good leader leads by example. The relationship between Jesus Christ and the church is goal driven. His goal is for the church to spend eternity with Him and as such everything He does is geared towards achieving that goal. As a husband, what is your goal for your family?

Protects

Jesus Christ protects the church. A husband should not be oblivious to potential harm and danger that can affect his wife. He shouldn’t intentionally expose his wife to danger. The devil knows that for him to get the household, the best way is to get the head captive. A husband should be spiritually sensitive and should always be on guard. He should keep boundaries and rules in place to ensure that his wife is safe.

Sacrificial Love

25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

We already know of the love of Jesus Christ for the church. This is the kind of love He wants husbands to have for their wives. This love makes Him show the church sympathy. He is always pleading and advocating for the church. As a husband, do you run your wife down with your words? How do you speak of her when you are with friends? Do you cover her shame and stand up for her when she is being accused? These are the roles Jesus Christ plays for the church.

Giving up yourself in this context entails giving up your pride, self accomplishments etc.

Grace

Despite the state the church is in currently, Jesus Christ still offers her grace. How is your grace tank for your wife? Is it full? Half full? Or dry? If it isn’t full, God can help you fill it up. Your wife needs patience from you just as Christ is patient with you.

Care / Provide

Jesus Christ cares for the church. He cares for us daily. Remember when I talk about the church, I am not referring to building made with bricks. I am referring to you and I. He cares for us and He is very concerned and intentionally about meeting them.

Husbands, make the well-being of your wife of primary importance. Care for your wife as you care for your own body. No wife needs to fear submitting to a man that treats her this way.

Jesus Christ is affectionate to the church. He doesn’t just meet our physical needs, He also meets our emotional needs. He doesn’t just let us get over things when we are down, He carries us through. Same principle should be applied in marriage. Women are very emotional beings and I know this can drive some men crazy. But every wife needs the patience and support of her husband. You might not be able to offer a solution, but just being there makes her feel she is not alone. And sometimes that is all that is needed.

Humility 

Jesus Christ knew His position, but yet He humbled Himself. Most times when we talk about humility in marriage, we often direct it towards the direction of the woman alone. Jesus Christ humbled Himself despite who He is. When relating with your wife, do you bully her with your achievements? The tone you use in talking to her, would you use same tone at work or when you are with friends? Is your wife scared of you? Is she scared to air her views? How would you feel if Jesus Christ intimidates you with His relationship to you? 

Trustworthy

Trust is developed not out of love but out of action. Jesus Christ has proven Himself to be trustworthy. A husband should be trustworthy. Your wife should be able to depend on you and your words. You don’t say one thing and do something different.

The Role of the Bride

Support

The meaning of support is to hold up something. To assist. This is exactly what God had in mind when He created the woman.

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18

The body supports the head. The head cannot stand without the body. The head contains the organs for vision and direction. But the body contains the organs that assist with execution.

As a wife, what are you bringing to the table? This isn’t all about finances. Emotionally are you supportive? Spiritually are you helping? Can your husband truly say he found a good thing when he found you? Or are you making his life miserable? Are you a vision killer or do you help your husband in achieving his goals for the family?

Every man has the king and the fool in him. The part you bring out of him is the part you see.

Submission

22Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the LORD. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Google defines submission as the action of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

In order to be able to submit to our husbands, we have to get our mind in order by accepting that they are a higher authority in the home. If you come into marriage with the idea that you are equal to your husband, you will encounter problems from the get go. I didn’t make it this way. Go did. The above text tells us so. So if you have a problem with this, I advice you take it to God and not my comment section. Jesus Christ isn’t equal to the church. The church is submissive to His authority.

Jesus Christ is the head of the church. But what happens today, we see the church trying to figure things out her way and trying to minimise the importance of having Jesus Christ’s leading. This is exactly what is happening in many families.

As wives, we really need to take a step back and allow our husbands lead. And no I am not guilt free when it comes to this area. However I am trying to do better. In some homes, wives have succeeded in pushing the men aside and then they wonder why men don’t want to step up to their roles. When we push Jesus Christ aside and we think we can do things on our own, as the gentleman that He is, He allows us to be because He said His spirit will never strive with man. This is exactly what we see in many homes today. For the church to be able to submit to Christ, there has to be a level of trust.

Trust / Obedience

We can’t obey someone we don’t trust. We obey Jesus Christ because we trust Him. Just as we trust Jesus Christ to lead us, we also need to trust the leadership of our husband. To be honest, they won’t always get it right. This is where the human factor comes in. Despite this we need to make sure we are not like bees constantly poke-nosing into every detail of decision they make. Trust your man to lead. From my few seconds of marriage experience, I have realised that my husband does a lot more when I trust him to do stuff.

Respect

They say the way to a man’s heart is food. But honestly I think it’s between food and respect. I genuinely think it’s respect. If a man can cook, then your magic in the kitchen isn’t a big deal to him. But when you respect him, he can do anything for you. A wife should honour her husband just as the church honours Christ and obeys Him.

Sacrifice

Jesus Christ sacrificed his life for the church. Just as our relationship with Jesus Christ requires a lot of sacrifice, so also it is in marriage. The goal of paying sacrifice in our relationship with Christ is for us to pursue intimacy with Him. We sacrifice our time, money, space, worldly pleasures, sleep, etc for the sake of this. This also applies in marriage. For us to continue to enjoy intimacy with our husbands we need to sacrifice same.

Tenderness

We know when Jesus needs us. This is the void and emptiness we feel that makes us go spend time with Him. Likewise, we should be sensitive to each others needs and show care. We shouldn’t blatantly ignore our husbands needs for selfish reasons.

Intimacy in Marriage

Sex is to man what worship is to Christ. Worship is what brings about our intimacy with Christ. When we worship Him, He reveals His nature to us and we get to know Him more. Sex in marriage is very important for same reasons. God designed it for that purpose and He doesn’t want us to deny our spouses of this gift.

The Life Line of Marriage

What keeps the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church alive is communication.

This is the string that holds a marriage together. Just as we feel ‘distant’ from Him when we haven’t spoken with Him in a while, so also we feel distant from our spouse due to lack of communication. The lesser the communication, the less fonder the heart goes. Jesus Christ communicates with us in different ways we can understand. In marriage, we have to communicate in ways our spouse understands.

Finally, i have heard, believed and have advised people in using the love language in marriage. But the thing i love about the Holy Spirit is how He is constantly teaching me and showing me the loopholes in the philosophies of men. The love language is often used as a bait to justify why we are not satisfied with what we are receiving from our spouse. Oftentimes (not always) we ignore our spouses good intentions to genuinely make us happy and we prove our points of dissatisfaction by telling him about how he isn’t speaking our love language. If our spouse fails the love language test, then we feel justified to act in a manner that isn’t godly.

I’m not attacking that theory but based on my revelation and experience, i have ditched it and ever since i did, i have been happier in my marriage. The Holy Spirit is helping me to focus on the fact that my husband is truly trying to make me happy and the more i focus on his intentions, the more i find joy. This is my perspective and I know it might not be the same for everyone. If I am to show agape love in marriage then it makes sense for me to do it God’s way.

Jesus Christ is jealous when it comes to us cheating on Him. To enable us to stay faithful, we do set up boundaries so we don’t drift away. In marriage, it’s important that we don’t underestimate this as well. We all have flesh and blood running through our veins so we’ve got to be careful with our relationships with the opposite sex.

Just as our relationship with Jesus Christ isn’t challenge free, so also it is with marriage. We team up with Christ to fight through the challenges that we encounter in our relationship with Him. In marriage we don’t fight each other. We join each other to fight challenges. We are a team.

We need to always remember to pray that the Holy Spirit will help us love our spouse the way He wants us to and for them to love us the way He wants them to. God does answer these prayers 🙂

If you are still reading, thanks for reading till the end. I hope you’ve been able to learn a thing from this post. And Laketra Chick, I hope you like this 🙂

Enjoy your marriage!

28 thoughts on “And The Two Shall Become One | Marriage

  1. Remen

    I completely agree with the love language part.It is a selfish way to weigh your spouse’s love or commitment towards you. We should learn to appreciate the good things they do in other words, count the blessings, God has blessed you with in your spouse. Of course this should be exempt of any form of abuse or a marriage that puts one’s life in danger.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. So right. In my opinion it’s built around selfishness. I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees it this way. Thanks for shedding light on this post🙂

      Like

    1. Thanks for your comment Sis. In courtship I would advice the relationship to stay within the confinement of emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy. Physical intimacy should be reserved till marriage.
      Emotional intimacy is developed with communication. As you begin to share areas of your life that the other partner never would have known otherwise, a connection is made. Also talking about your future together is another way to develop intimacy. Conversations like how many kids you both want, the structure of the family you both want, careers etc helps. Helping each other work towards goals is another one.
      Spending time together doing what you both enjoy without crossing your boundaries.

      Spiritual intimacy can be developed by praying together and studying the word of God together. Intentionally covering each other in prayers.

      I hope this helps❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You did this! Yes, I enjoyed this post! Thank you for tackling it. I imagine this was hard because there’s so much you could say. Each point could be a book all by itself! But, you touched on a lot with much biblical truth. Thank you for writing this 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was Sis. I kept holding back because the post was becoming too long. I just had to leave it the way it is as I continue to pray that the Holy Spirit will give us a deeper understanding and revelation. I thank God you liked it.❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you found it useful. The teaching of women being superior creates a spirit of rivalry between the woman and the man. It gives a false impression to the woman making her think she is the head when God didn’t make it so. Thanks again for stopping by. Blessings to you!🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Great in-depth post, Efua! Well done!👏🏼You sure covered a lot here and with so much insight.
    Definitely important for each person to acknowledge the efforts their spouse is making, in whatever way they are making them, but personally, I still like the love language theory. To me it’s part of getting to know your spouse and making extra effort, being sensitive to each others needs, knowing not everyone’s the same. It works well with kids, too, if you can show them love according to their love language—one may want lots of cuddles and kisses (affection) but is quite happy to go off and play on his/her own, another may just want you to play with them (quality time) but is not very huggy/kissy. That’s just my opinion, though. I see what you’re saying about it, where a spouse is ungrateful and using it against their other half.
    I struggled with submission the first couple of years in my marriage because I was so used to taking care of everything on my own, but the Lord helped me😉
    Thanks for taking the time to put this all together!❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for your comment Sis. This post was a very long one and I wasn’t sure anyone would have the patience to read through. So I am very thankful to those who did🙂.
      I love using the love language theory with kids and I agree it does work. I was going to add this to the post but gosh I just needed to let it be that way so it didn’t turn into a novel😂.
      One of my love language is words of affirmation (written words to be precise). On my birthday 2 years ago, my husband gave me a beautiful present and took me out for dinner in a very beautiful restaurant. The day was beautiful and he did a whole lot of planning and spent good money that day just for my sake. Despite everything that he did, he genuinely was not happy because he forgot to buy me a birthday card. I am not one who can pretend and straightaway he knew there was something wrong. He isn’t a card person and he just doesn’t understand the big deal about it. He kept asking me what the matter was, if I didn’t like the food or the present and I said I did and that everything was ok. I saw his face dropping in confusion he was doing all he could to make me happy. I have told him about the card thing in the past and I didn’t want to bring it up again. As I sat there, the Holy Spirit revealed the root of my discontentment. I was unsatisfied because my mind was focused on the love language theory. As I was getting convicted, I was using this as a defence. And then He reminded me that human theories are flawed because at the core of it is selfishness – if it isn’t done my way then I won’t be happy. To be honest my husband is not the type that is into too much preparation lol. Naturally he would have just waited for that day and taken me to the restaurant without prebooking. But this day he didn’t. He even went as far as letting the restaurant know it was my birthday and planned a surprise birthday cake delivered by the caterers with birthday songs playing in the background. These didn’t do anything for me because I was thinking “oh well he knows I take birthday cards seriously. Why did he ignore my love language”. I missed enjoying that moment. To cut this story short, that was the day I stopped using that theory in my marriage. If I didn’t know about that theory, I am sure I would have appreciated him more. But I didn’t because I had something I was measuring him with and as a result he didn’t just quite hit the target.
      Since I stopped using the theory, he still forgets to get card at times. But I know my husband well enough to know he loves me and his intentions are good. Even if he isn’t ticking all the boxes, he goes extra mile in making me happy. And I am happier just by focusing on that.
      I hope this explains why I put that in there? Thanks again sis❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  4. What a poignant story that illustrates the point you were trying to make perfectly! I completely understand where you’re coming from! I knew what you were saying before, but this touching story really made it hit home. I totally agree with what you’re saying—we should appreciate the effort our spouse puts forth, no matter if it’s in our “love language” or not. My husband and I are both aware of the love language theory and know what each others is, so we try to practice that, but if one spouse isn’t aware of it or whatever, that shouldn’t be held against them.
    I can appreciate you trying to keep the post as short as humanly possible, too. As I said, you covered so much in it, and it was great! I wasn’t trying in anyway to rebuff what you’d said—I totally agree with you I think you did a wonderful job! Your posts are always so full of insight and growth opportunities.
    Love and blessings to you, Sis ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awww Sis. I totally understand and I agree with you. I am glad you shared your perspective. I know that it has helped in keeping the post balanced. I am sure there are people who the theory work for as well and that is very good. So long it isn’t just as a yardstick to remain selfish. Blessings and love to you my lovely sis🙂❤️.
      On another note, how is your daughter doing?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Slightly better. It’s only been 48hrs but she thinks the redness might me a little less than it was a couple of days ago. The pain is more under control now that she has a proper pain prescription from her doc. Her episodes of fever seem to be less frequent, too.
        Thanks for asking? God bless! ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  5. God is good and every lay one of these help me and still is til this day to reconcile and renew my marriage of 10 years God is a awesome messiah and only he can give u all the glory ,sacrifice and courage to sustain a healthy marriage. I appreciate you sharing this it totally touch me spiritually. This was one of the many reasons I started my blog. I am a new inspiring blogger that wish to share my journey and it has a lot to do with my marriage and life choice. Great job! keep up the holy spirit work is within you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. WOW!!! 🙂 I can’t imagine how long this post took you, okay I can imagine a little 😉 . Well done! I love how thorough and the fact you took your time to explain each part. I think for those unfamiliar with these terms and roles this is SO beneficial.

    I totally see what you mean about the love language. I think understanding it and how we respond inwardly is good. I think when we understand how another person shows their love that can help us see how much effort this person is giving, despite our perspective. It’s always about going deeper and trying to see things from someone else’s shoes. You’re right, if we use any knowledge we have for guilt, manipulation, or anything else negative there truly is no point.

    Great post!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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