Disclaimer: I am not a marriage expert, neither am i a marriage counsellor. In fact I have only been married for 9 minute years so I am no guru when it comes to this topic. What I’m about to share is totally based on my view from biblical perspective and also the small experience I have from my very few years of marriage. I fully understand there are different situations that people go through. It’s OK if you don’t agree.
This is a very long post. I didn’t want to split it into 2 parts. Please bear with me.
I want to begin by giving a shout out to one of my very patient followers. I refer to her as patient because she requested i do a post on Marriage since March and i’m only just doing it. Thanks Laketra Chick for allowing me time and for your understanding. If you are not following her already, please do. She is such a beautiful soul and she is also very supportive and encouraging.
So with that being said, let’s dig in.
When Laketra Chick requested i do this post, it actually coincided with the time we were talking about marriage and family in our Sunday school. We are still on this series and it’s truly reminded me and taught me a lot about the essence of marriage. The reason i didn’t want to jump into this post immediately i got the request to write about it, was because i wasn’t sure how to tackle it. Like i said from my disclaimer, i am not a marriage counselor and i am sure i have many followers and readers who have more experience in marriage than i have. I didn’t want to write it from my understanding of marriage as that will be nothing new. So of course i had to pray about it. And after praying and also from our Sunday school lessons, i found peace in talking about it from The Jesus Christ (groom) and the Church (bride) perspective.
What is marriage?
Marriage is the legally or formally recognized union between a man and a woman. It is the oldest human institution on earth. It involves a lifetime commitment. It is not a contract. It is a covenant.
In the bible there are so many scriptures where Jesus Christ is being referred to as the groom. So let’s see how we can link this with marriage.
Preparing for Marriage
There is a lot of learning and preparation that goes into making of the groom. Jesus Christ is seen in Luke 2:41-46 learning from others. He was asking questions, wanting to know more. The same principle applies to anyone wanting to get married. Learn. Learn. Learn. When you go into marriage unprepared, you are heading for disaster. These days the institution of marriage has been diluted. Most times the foundation isn’t right. Societal norm is for the boy and girl to start living together before marriage. Boundaries are seen as old school and cohabiting is even encouraged.
The danger of going by the above flow is that the marriage is laid on a bad foundation. Sex and ecstasy clouds judgements and red flags are not taken seriously as a result. Engagement isn’t the same as marriage. Until you are married, you are still seen as single in the eyes of God. Your body belongs to Him. You are not to allow any boy or girl defy your temple. To achieve this clear boundaries have to be put in place. Marriage needs to be entered with the right mindset. I will leave it here for now.
After marriage, comes intimacy. And note intimacy doesn’t come before marriage.
The Role of the Groom
thehead of Ephesians 5:23
A head is the part of an organism which usually includes the eyes, ears, nose, and mouth, each of which aid in various sensory functions such as sight, hearing, smell, and taste, respectively (copied from Wikipedia).
Notice the head is where the sensory functions are situated. Without the head, there is no vision and direction. This explains the reason for the chaos in our world today. A lot of men are not functioning in their God given positions as leaders. Many do not have visions and directions for their families and as such they have allowed their wives to take up this role. This is not a role originally intended for women.
A good leader leads by example. The relationship between Jesus Christ and the church is goal driven. His goal is for the church to spend eternity with Him and as such everything He does is geared towards achieving that goal. As a husband, what is your goal for your family?
Jesus Christ protects the church. A husband should not be oblivious to potential harm and danger that can affect his wife. He shouldn’t intentionally expose his wife to danger. The devil knows that for him to get the household, the best way is to get the head captive. A husband should be spiritually sensitive and should always be on guard. He should keep boundaries and rules in place to ensure that his wife is safe.
We already know of the love of Jesus Christ for the church. This is the kind of love He wants husbands to have for their wives. This love makes Him show the church sympathy. He is always pleading and advocating for the church. As a husband, do you run your wife down with your words? How do you speak of her when you are with friends? Do you cover her shame and stand up for her when she is being accused? These are the roles Jesus Christ plays for the church.
Giving up yourself in this context entails giving up your pride, self accomplishments etc.
Despite the state the church is in currently, Jesus Christ still offers her grace. How is your grace tank for your wife? Is it full? Half full? Or dry? If it isn’t full, God can help you fill it up. Your wife needs patience from you just as Christ is patient with you.
Care / Provide
Jesus Christ cares for the church. He cares for us daily. Remember when I talk about the church, I am not referring to building made with bricks. I am referring to you and I. He cares for us and He is very concerned and intentionally about meeting them.
Husbands, make the well-being of your wife of primary importance. Care for your wife as you care for your own body. No wife needs to fear submitting to a man that treats her this way.
Jesus Christ is affectionate to the church. He doesn’t just meet our physical needs, He also meets our emotional needs. He doesn’t just let us get over things when we are down, He carries us through. Same principle should be applied in marriage. Women are very emotional beings and I know this can drive some men crazy. But every wife needs the patience and support of her husband. You might not be able to offer a solution, but just being there makes her feel she is not alone. And sometimes that is all that is needed.
Jesus Christ knew His position, but yet He humbled Himself. Most times when we talk about humility in marriage, we often direct it towards the direction of the woman alone. Jesus Christ humbled Himself despite who He is. When relating with your wife, do you bully her with your achievements? The tone you use in talking to her, would you use same tone at work or when you are with friends? Is your wife scared of you? Is she scared to air her views? How would you feel if Jesus Christ intimidates you with His relationship to you?
Trust is developed not out of love but out of action. Jesus Christ has proven Himself to be trustworthy. A husband should be trustworthy. Your wife should be able to depend on you and your words. You don’t say one thing and do something different.
The Role of the Bride
The meaning of support is to hold up something. To assist. This is exactly what God had in mind when He created the woman.
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18
The body supports the head. The head cannot stand without the body. The head contains the organs for vision and direction. But the body contains the organs that assist with execution.
As a wife, what are you bringing to the table? This isn’t all about finances. Emotionally are you supportive? Spiritually are you helping? Can your husband truly say he found a good thing when he found you? Or are you making his life miserable? Are you a vision killer or do you help your husband in achieving his goals for the family?
Every man has the king and the fool in him. The part you bring out of him is the part you see.
Google defines submission as the action of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.
In order to be able to submit to our husbands, we have to get our mind in order by accepting that they are a higher authority in the home. If you come into marriage with the idea that you are equal to your husband, you will encounter problems from the get go. I didn’t make it this way. Go did. The above text tells us so. So if you have a problem with this, I advice you take it to God and not my comment section. Jesus Christ isn’t equal to the church. The church is submissive to His authority.
Jesus Christ is the head of the church. But what happens today, we see the church trying to figure things out her way and trying to minimise the importance of having Jesus Christ’s leading. This is exactly what is happening in many families.
As wives, we really need to take a step back and allow our husbands lead. And no I am not guilt free when it comes to this area. However I am trying to do better. In some homes, wives have succeeded in pushing the men aside and then they wonder why men don’t want to step up to their roles. When we push Jesus Christ aside and we think we can do things on our own, as the gentleman that He is, He allows us to be because He said His spirit will never strive with man. This is exactly what we see in many homes today. For the church to be able to submit to Christ, there has to be a level of trust.
Trust / Obedience
We can’t obey someone we don’t trust. We obey Jesus Christ because we trust Him. Just as we trust Jesus Christ to lead us, we also need to trust the leadership of our husband. To be honest, they won’t always get it right. This is where the human factor comes in. Despite this we need to make sure we are not like bees constantly poke-nosing into every detail of decision they make. Trust your man to lead. From my few seconds of marriage experience, I have realised that my husband does a lot more when I trust him to do stuff.
They say the way to a man’s heart is food. But honestly I think it’s between food and respect. I genuinely think it’s respect. If a man can cook, then your magic in the kitchen isn’t a big deal to him. But when you respect him, he can do anything for you. A wife should honour her husband just as the church honours Christ and obeys Him.
Jesus Christ sacrificed his life for the church. Just as our relationship with Jesus Christ requires a lot of sacrifice, so also it is in marriage. The goal of paying sacrifice in our relationship with Christ is for us to pursue intimacy with Him. We sacrifice our time, money, space, worldly pleasures, sleep, etc for the sake of this. This also applies in marriage. For us to continue to enjoy intimacy with our husbands we need to sacrifice same.
We know when Jesus needs us. This is the void and emptiness we feel that makes us go spend time with Him. Likewise, we should be sensitive to each others needs and show care. We shouldn’t blatantly ignore our husbands needs for selfish reasons.
Intimacy in Marriage
Sex is to man what worship is to Christ. Worship is what brings about our intimacy with Christ. When we worship Him, He reveals His nature to us and we get to know Him more. Sex in marriage is very important for same reasons. God designed it for that purpose and He doesn’t want us to deny our spouses of this gift.
The Life Line of Marriage
What keeps the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church alive is communication.
This is the string that holds a marriage together. Just as we feel ‘distant’ from Him when we haven’t spoken with Him in a while, so also we feel distant from our spouse due to lack of communication. The lesser the communication, the less fonder the heart goes. Jesus Christ communicates with us in different ways we can understand. In marriage, we have to communicate in ways our spouse understands.
Finally, i have heard, believed and have advised people in using the love language in marriage. But the thing i love about the Holy Spirit is how He is constantly teaching me and showing me the loopholes in the philosophies of men. The love language is often used as a bait to justify why we are not satisfied with what we are receiving from our spouse. Oftentimes (not always) we ignore our spouses good intentions to genuinely make us happy and we prove our points of dissatisfaction by telling him about how he isn’t speaking our love language. If our spouse fails the love language test, then we feel justified to act in a manner that isn’t godly.
I’m not attacking that theory but based on my revelation and experience, i have ditched it and ever since i did, i have been happier in my marriage. The Holy Spirit is helping me to focus on the fact that my husband is truly trying to make me happy and the more i focus on his intentions, the more i find joy. This is my perspective and I know it might not be the same for everyone. If I am to show agape love in marriage then it makes sense for me to do it God’s way.
Jesus Christ is jealous when it comes to us cheating on Him. To enable us to stay faithful, we do set up boundaries so we don’t drift away. In marriage, it’s important that we don’t underestimate this as well. We all have flesh and blood running through our veins so we’ve got to be careful with our relationships with the opposite sex.
Just as our relationship with Jesus Christ isn’t challenge free, so also it is with marriage. We team up with Christ to fight through the challenges that we encounter in our relationship with Him. In marriage we don’t fight each other. We join each other to fight challenges. We are a team.
We need to always remember to pray that the Holy Spirit will help us love our spouse the way He wants us to and for them to love us the way He wants them to. God does answer these prayers 🙂
If you are still reading, thanks for reading till the end. I hope you’ve been able to learn a thing from this post. And Laketra Chick, I hope you like this 🙂
Enjoy your marriage!