Like a bomb, it exploded in my head. Thoughts flooded my mind. Not sure of what the next phone caller will say. The walls around me was spinning. Holding my 2 months old in my arms, my hands and feet shook uncontrollably. I can’t be here alone I thought.
Rushing through the door, I slammed it quickly as I laid my baby in his pram.
I have always heard of the word anxiety. But I never knew how serious it was. Scenes were created in my mind. I began to live in scenes that hasn’t even happened. I was afraid. I was terrified. My mouth went numb. Trying to pray but I couldn’t hear myself.
They say we aren’t supposed to be afraid. They say I should smile as others are going through worse. I need to speak in faith and say all is well even when I gaze at the ceiling wondering when this will end.
“No you aren’t allowed to feel that way. You should be bold as a lion.” But how am I supposed to feel bold when my knees are crushed with fear. I felt the physical pain of anxiety as it pierced through my heart.
As I walked along the street, I replayed the events in the head over and over again. “What if this happens? What if this doesn’t happen? What am I going to do? Should I…? Should I not? Who will I run to? Who can I talk to? Besides everyone has their own challenges. Mine I’m sure isn’t worst”. But it hurts. Yes a lot of people are going through worse. I’m not in their shoes. But aren’t I allowed to feel my pain?
Before you quote a scripture to me, listen to what I have to say. Let me finish before you interrupt me with ‘it is well and I’m praying for you.” If you don’t let me speak, how then do you know what you are praying for?
Let me express how I feel. Like Hannah, allow me vent and present my case. Perhaps God will hear me and act quick. Perhaps He will know I need Him desperately. Perhaps He will come and rescue me. Perhaps this is my day for answers like Hannah.
Are you feeling this way? Have I just expressed how you feel right now? I would like to encourage you that God is with you. “Efua, how is this different from what you have just written above?” You may ask.
It isn’t different because it is true. I know it’s true because God came through for me.
Wikipedia tells us the difference between fear and anxiety.
“Anxiety disorders are a group of mental disorders characterized by feelings of anxiety and fear. Anxiety is a worry about future events and fear is a reaction to current events. These feelings may cause physical symptoms, such as a fast heart rate and shakiness.”
How often do we imagine worse case scenario and then allow that event that hasn’t even happen yet to eat us up. We refuse to enjoy the moment as we wallow in anxiety. We sometimes defend our actions by saying we are preparing ourselves just in case the worst happens. But how about preparing for the best to happen?
Does this mean that you shouldn’t be allowed to express your pain? No. I believe a lot of people are carrying a burden around because they have kept it in. They don’t want to be seen as though they don’t have faith.
David said “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”
Psalms 23:4 NLT
God is close beside you too. Closer than you think. He isn’t asking you to mask your fears. He is telling you to express your fear to Him. Give Him your worries, heartaches and anxieties. And He will exchange it with peace.
Faith isn’t about denying the fact. Faith is believing in the truth. Faith is you saying although things don’t look right, I believe God is working behind the scene. Faith is you being vulnerable enough before God to accept that although you feel fear, you won’t let it crush you. Why pretending before God when He already knows how you feel anyway?
Faith is you believing that even as tears are rolling down your cheeks, you still believe that God will see you through because He loves you.
He loves you more than you can ever know. He is with you. Yes He is with you. You will come out stronger. Be encouraged❤️