Before you read this, I will encourage you to see the part 1 of this story so you can get the full picture. Click on https://graceoverpain.com/2018/02/07/grace-over-painwhy-i-chose-my-blog-namepart/
The weight of guilt was weighing me down. When my now husband came into the picture, I knew I had to tell him about the real me. He knew my family before we met and he believed I was this good Christian girl because of the kind of family I am from. For long I have was walking around with a false identity. This time I had to tell the truth. It was more so he won’t be surprised when he discovers I’m not a virgin as expected. I honestly wanted him to leave early if he wanted to. Besides I was yet to recover from the whole trauma I had been in and I needed more time to heal.
Before i met my husband, I tried countless number of times to fight on my own. I prayed but all of my prayers were masked with fear. I was in bondage and the devil was loving it. I remained in this captivity for long because I didn’t want to confess my sins to anyone. I was afraid of being judged. I was already eaten up with guilt and I knew a further push was going to break me totally. As a result I hid and covered my sin.
Sin blossoms in secrecy. The more I thought I could do it on my own, the more I sank even deeper.
I honestly believe that soul ties and sexual sins aren’t the kind of things you just pray about on your own. Reason being, exposing it by telling someone else about it, will allow for accountability. Be very careful that you are telling the right person. Not the type that will cause you more pain by going to tell everyone else.
My now husband handled the situation with so much grace. I sobbed as I opened my bag of worms before him. I cried uncontrollably. He told me that everyone has a past. And that we all can choose whether to allow a single life event define our lives for good or for bad. He told me that so long I held onto that guilt I was going to be held bound. He told me that God has forgiven me and that I needed to forgive myself. These were good words to hear but I couldn’t take away the thoughts of calling and referring to myself as a murderer because I aborted my child. Every time I felt better, the scene of myself in the abortion room replayed and guilt and shame consumed me instantly.
We got married and during that period of wedding preparation, I was doing really better. I felt marriage was going to sort this madness out and I was totally going to be free. But I was wrong. Marriage doesn’t free us from bondage. God does.
We did our wedding and life was good even though I was still having moments of feeling condemned. At this point, my relationship with God strained. I deliberately stayed away and pushed myself away from God because I felt I didn’t deserve His love.
We started trying for babies and I had three consecutive miscarriages. At this point, I was convinced that this was a judgement on me because of my past. All this while I have been thinking of a good enough punishment that I deserved and this was the one. I apologised to my husband and told him that God won’t give us kids because of my sins and he should put the blame of me. I told him we could consider other options. Each time i said these words, he rejected them and told me that God loves and has forgiven me. I started meditating on these words and started longing for God again. When my husband left for work, I would cry, pray for God’s mercy and listen to gospel messages all day.
One day I was watching TBN and a programme which I sadly cannot remember the name came on. It was hosted by a lady who had another 2 ladies as guest that day. At the end of the show, the host said “there is a lady watching right now. You had an abortion and you can’t seem to forgive yourself. God said I should tell you that He has forgiven you and you needed to accept His forgiveness and love”. I fell on my bed and wept. That moment, I could feel the arms of God wrapped around me. I felt a heavy weight lifted off my chest. I felt very light. I am naturally a happy and bubbly person. The normal me came back. I smiled genuinely and felt free.
Few weeks afterwards, I went for a women’s programme and after the programme, I felt a leading to confess my past to the female pastors who came for the event. I did and they laid hands on me and prayed. Gosh!! It was an amazing feeling. I was happy that that secret was broken and I didn’t have to cover it anymore.
After this, I was pregnant again; this time everything went well. And we became parents.
But there was still one thing left, I held on to that guy who abused me and harboured hatred in my heart for him. One day I was studying about forgiveness and Matthew 6:15 hit me really hard. It says;
As I was meditating on this, I remembered the magnitude of the sins I have committed and how God was quick to forgive me. As I meditated on this, what my abuser did became so little in my eyes for me not to forgive. The more I mediated, the more my sins were magnified when compared with what my he did. Right in that moment, I knew I was a grace hoarder and I needed to extend this grace to another individual who needed it too. The Holy Spirit laid it on my heart to reach out to him and just say hello even if he still didn’t apologise. I did this via social media and asked about his parents. I told him to extend my greetings. He responded and that was it.
Forgiveness is shown and I believe God wanted me to go an extra mile in showing that I have forgiven him.Who knows that grace shown can break him and give God access to his heart. But the truth is that it did a lot of benefit for me. I could now live freely.
God wasn’t done with me yet. After my experience God started reminding me of the gaps I saw in church and He reminded me that there was a reason it irritated and bothered me. From when I was young, I noticed that it was difficult in all the places I worshipped to find someone who young people could easily go to without them feeling condemned. He reminded me that I needed to fill that gap. I needed to be that person a young girl who has similar challenges could walk up to and confide in. I needed to hold the hands of young girls and lift them up from the pit of guilt, shame and condemnation. I needed to remind and teach young people about purity.
How am I going to talk about purity, when I couldn’t even practice it? Who will listen to my ramblings? As these questions flooded my mind, God started reminding me of people in the bible who He used regardless of their past. God doesn’t use the qualified. He qualifies whoever He calls.
I don’t know what you have gone through. I might not understand the depth of your pain but I know someone who is bigger than that pain. Don’t allow your dark past to define the rest of your life. Have you been abused? Rejected? Ignored? Do you feel like you don’t deserve God’s love because of something you did or have done? The truth is that God saw that sin ahead of time and He sent Jesus Christ to die for that sin. Stop beating yourself up. Pray and repent. If you’re struggling with soul ties or sexual sin, you need to tell someone about it. Someone who can pray, hold you accountable and hold your hand through.
I couldn’t have forgiven my abuser if not for the revelation of God I had. I know we talk about forgiveness a lot but it’s very hard. Although it’s hard, it’s also a choice and God does grace us to forgive. He never requires us to do something He knows we cannot do. You will be surprised at the freedom this will bring you. Always remember that until you forgive, that person has control over you. You might not have to do what I did by reaching out. The Holy Spirit led me to. He might not lead you in this direction. Pray and follow His leading.
My story birthed my purpose. Now I have an organisation called The Pearls of Purity where I mentor girls. I share my story with them and let them know that sexual immorality should be fled from, that any sin can be forgiven and that God can still use them regardless of their past.
My story goes to prove that there is no pain that grace cannot cover. God’s grace is bigger, deeper and wider than any pain we have, can and will ever experience. There is enough grace to cover every pain. So my friend, it’s about time you took off that blanket of shame and guilt and accept the grace that is available to you.
Don’t give up on yourself because God will never give up on you.
Grace doesn’t only free us from the chains of guilt, neither does it stop at forgiveness of sin. It aids us to live righteously and pursue holiness. It isn’t an excuse to continue in sin. It’s an inner boost that helps us yield to the spirit. My desire is that every post in this blog helps the reader in achieving this.
If you are a girl and you need someone to talk to, you can reach me via my contact page:).