But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
**You would have noticed that i haven’t been very active on here. As some of you may know, I went back to work in January and I’m working full time. That is the reason for my silence. I know I have a lot of posts from many of you to catch up on. If I miss some, please pardon me. I’m still trying to find my rhythm :)**
A fellow blogger asked me sometime ago why i chose my blog name and i promised to do a post about it. I have touched on it when commenting on other blogs that i could relate to but i have never told the full story. So here you go. This is my life in a post.
I grew up in a lovely and humble christian family. My parents did the best they could do to ensure that we were grounded in the word of God. My parents served in church and we were full on for God. At age 8, i was sexually molested by a family friend’s son when myself and siblings went there for a sleepover. I was never raped but i experienced things i shouldn’t even know about at that age. I came home distraught and decided to keep it to myself as a result of fear. At the time, there was a societal stigma attached to any girl who spoke up about things like that. This stigma was also extended to her family. I love and i am very protective of my family so i didn’t want them to be seen that way.
I believe that anything to do with sexual contact has spiritual impacts. Because of my experience, certain feelings that weren’t supposed to be triggered at that age were triggered and the devil found them as gates to access my innocent heart.
The person who did this, never apologised till today and i suffered the pain of seeing him almost every week of my life till i left home for Uni. His family and mine were the closest of families. We attended the same church. His little sister was my best friend at the time. And according to culture, i owed him respect because he was an older person. So i had to deal with all of this. I had to face seeing him every time and giving him maximum respect that i would give to any older person despite being scared of him. All of these messed up my emotions. I tried to find reasons why this happened. I felt it was because i didn’t have an older brother. As a result i longed to be close to guys who were older than me so i could feel protected.
I carried this idea into Uni. The devil quickly offered me what i wanted. I went into a relationship with someone who fitted into my idea of a big brother. I felt very protected. I felt no other boy would dare mess with me again. I felt i could for once be my real self. My boyfriend at the time, saw and knew that i was vulnerable and he took advantage of me. I looked brave but i was very scared. I was timid. Those who knew me then might not agree when they read this but all of those things they knew about me i was doing as a camouflage. I sort for protection for guys so bad. So when i finally got one who seemed like he could protect me from other guys, i was ready to settle even if he was taking advantage of me. The red flags were shown but i didn’t pay attention to them.
Despite being raised in a christian home, i was far from God. My emotions were all over the place. I had no self esteem. I couldn’t say no to anything. The scene of my abuse always replayed in my mind and the devil would remind me about how powerful and strong guys are.
Like i said before, my boyfriend then saw me as a prey and he was excellent at manipulating me. One year into the relationship, i was pregnant and he talked me into aborting the baby. I was 19. I couldn’t say no. Agreeing to it seemed best at the time. Gosh i couldn’t imagine the shame it would bring to my family. I thought of the church and the isolation we were going to face. So i agreed and did the abortion. No one knew.
In all of these, deep in my heart, i knew God loved me. But i didn’t want Him to because i failed Him. I felt i didn’t deserve His love. Everyone in church looked perfect except me. I couldn’t fit into church anymore. I stopped serving in church because i felt i wasn’t worthy and i didn’t want to be a barrier to the presence of God manifesting in church services. I ended my relationship few weeks after the abortion and i had to face the torture of guilt afterwards.
The pain of guilt crippled me. “I am a murderer who doesn’t deserve anything good in life”, i would say to myself. I wanted to turn back the hands of time so i could do things differently but of course we can never get time back. I felt filthy and ugly. Despite how i felt, God saw me differently and my now husband came into the scene.
Continue from Part 2. Thanks for reading.