The Former You

An incident that happened at a very young age of your life made you feel like you weren’t good enough. Although you experienced love from your family, other people’s opinions registered in your little mind. You strived to prove that you won’t be defined by what ‘they’ said about you. This was a struggle for you.

Soon you gave up the fight and accepted ‘their’ definition of you. You began to see yourself differently. Your self-esteem crashed. You rejected compliments because you felt they weren’t true. You lost your identity in the process.

You tried to be emulate ‘them’. You tried to act like ‘them’, dress like ‘them’, copied the phrases ‘they’ used, and even talk like ‘them’.

You so wanted to fit in even when you knew you were different. Oh the struggle! The struggle of knowing you were not what you were actually claiming you were. The struggle of smiling in the room just so you didn’t look awkward. The struggle of hating the reflection you saw each time you looked in the mirror. The struggle of hearing a voice within you saying “this is not you”.

You found yourself living the life you never thought of. Discovering you were pregnant was devastating. As a result you decided to get rid of the pregnancy secretly so you could carry on with your normal life. Interestingly, no one else knew that you were living a double life. So you felt you were a little bit better in the game than you thought you would be.

You forgot for a moment that your conscience was always with you and that it wasn’t going to stop speaking. So you were quickly introduced to another battle. The battle of dealing with you. This became the biggest battle you ever fought. You went to bed every day trying to erase the memory of what you did. You wished you never did it. You wanted to turn back the hands of time and relive that phase of your life.

You carried the burden of guilt for years. This became a heavy burden that terrorized you constantly. You felt like you were being hunted down by karma. You tried to cry the pain out of your chest but the more you cried, the more you saw the reflection of you laying down on that abortion bed.

The people who told you you weren’t pretty were nowhere to be found. You were left to deal with this pain all by yourself. Oh well, you had the choice to do the right things at the time but somehow you didn’t.

The devil was having a feast with you. He was happy because he was executing his plans smoothly – all he does is to steal, kill and destroy. He stole your peace and destroyed your self-esteem. You constantly listened to the devil and bought into his lies. He told you you were finished. He told you God will never forgive you. He told you you will forever be hunted by this guilt. He told you you won’t be anything in life as you have failed God. He told you God was mad at you. But the reality was and still remains that God was not mad at you. He only wanted you to cry out to Him for mercy so He could help you.

And then…..

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